Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
