I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
