If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All the doctor said was why
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
