ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
