I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
