Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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