im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
