she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Boobs speak an international language.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Randomize
