Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
