My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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