He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
