I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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