Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
