Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
