She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
