while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He felt like a one man threesome
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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