i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
