fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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