I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
