He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm both gender and math confused
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
