I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize