i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
