Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just pee around me
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
