Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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