had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
