I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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