I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
