i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
