I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
