She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
