the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Are my feet made of real feet?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
