we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
