If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
