do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
