i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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