i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
