Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You can't special order awesome
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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