I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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