I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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