I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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