Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
