I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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