If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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