I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
