I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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