I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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