She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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