walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
