Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize