Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
