It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
