he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
