so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
