So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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