got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
operation harelip BJ is a go
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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