Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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